Finding Your Voice in Relationships
As a facilitator and couple’s coach, I’ve witnessed firsthand how deeply our family communication patterns affect our adult relationships. Working with clients has shown me the powerful impact of generational dynamics on our ability to express needs, set boundaries, and maintain healthy connection.
The Inheritance of Communication Styles
Many of us inherit communication styles that don’t serve us well. One client’s journey illustrates this perfectly. She struggled to express her needs directly, often holding things in until she exploded. Her family history offered clues: growing up, people would simply “stop speaking without explanation.” Emotional withdrawal was used as a form of punishment.
Now, years later, she’s experiencing that same silence from her children. It’s heartbreaking—not only because it hurts, but because it mirrors the very pattern she tried so hard not to repeat. “This is what my mother did to me,” she shared. “And I see it in their father’s family too.”
When working with couples or families, I often see this same dynamic: one person shuts down completely during conflict, while the other becomes increasingly frantic, trying to reestablish connection. This dance of disconnect stems from what we absorbed growing up—and often, from what was never modeled for us at all.
The Dual Impact of Silence
What makes these patterns so painful is not just the behavior itself—but the weight of what goes unsaid.
To be shut out by someone you love, especially without explanation, can feel devastating. It leaves a kind of relational scar—one that echoes the pain of earlier experiences, especially when it happens again and again across generations.
But I’ve also lived on the other side of this. Not as the one who was shut out—but as the one who shut down.
A Personal Reflection
After my divorce, I entered into another relationship just six months later. And shortly thereafter, we were already living together. I hadn’t taken the time to understand or get to know myself, let alone become aware of the unconscious communication patterns I was still carrying.
When I got upset, I would just shut down. I stopped talking to him. Sometimes this would go on for two weeks. I can’t even tell you where I went in those moments. In retrospect, I must have felt justified in keeping my silence.
He was a gentle man—he never pushed or argued. He would just give me the space. And I can see now, looking back, how much that must have hurt him. But when I finally returned—when I came back to the relationship energetically—he always took me back.
We never discussed my silence or my distance. It wasn’t until long after the relationship ended that I became aware of that pattern and was finally able to stop it.
I share this because I want you to know—this isn’t theoretical for me. I know what it’s like to feel stuck in a pattern you can’t name. To act in ways that don’t reflect who you really are, and to not know how to stop.
Reclaiming Expression on Both Sides
Whether you’re the one who shuts down—or the one who feels the sting of someone else’s silence—both sides are painful. Both require healing. Both need a voice.
The person who withdraws may need help identifying the emotions they’re afraid to speak. The one on the receiving end may need support in setting boundaries and saying, “This isn’t okay with me.”
Each side holds a key. And both must take responsibility for breaking the cycle.
Practical Tools for Finding Your Voice
Here are four practices I often share with clients who are learning to communicate with more clarity and presence:
Journal about your needs and boundaries
Writing clarifies what you truly want to say—before the conversation even happens.Take breaks when communication becomes overwhelming
Step away, breathe, and come back when your nervous system has settled.Make clear agreements
Define what you’re available for—emotionally and practically—in all relationships, not just romantic ones.
Practice energetic aspecting
Adapted from Gestalt therapy’s “empty chair” technique, this tool allows you to speak aloud to an imagined version of the person you’re struggling with. Say the things you’ve held back. Let the charge move through—rage, sadness, resentment, fear. Often, what’s left after that emotional clearing is the real message: the thing you actually need to say, with clarity and heart.
The Courage to Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries requires courage—especially if you’ve been conditioned to prioritize others over yourself. But here’s what I always remind clients:
Boundaries are not walls.
They’re what allow us to stay in relationship with others while still honoring ourselves.
They help you stay connected without abandoning yourself. They clarify your capacity—what you can hold, when you need to rest, and when it’s time to pause.
Ask Yourself
What’s one thing I’ve wanted to say, but haven’t?
Who have I shut out—and why?
Do I want it to stay that way?
Is there something I actually want to say, but don’t know how?
Where do I need to honor my own capacity more clearly?
Moving Forward
The work of breaking generational patterns is ongoing. It requires patience, self-compassion, and often, support from others.
But the rewards—healthier relationships, clearer communication, and greater emotional freedom—are immeasurable.
As you reflect on your own communication patterns, approach yourself with gentleness. These behaviors often formed to protect you. Now, with awareness and intention, you can create something different.
It’s never too late to find your voice—and to create the connection you truly want.